Notes to My Younger Self

I have done a few events this week to mark the launch of my new book. At two of these events I had exactly the same question asked of me. The question was about me as a young twenty-something, when I was starting out, and specifically asking 'what would you do differently now?'

It made me think. I mean, the standard thing you are meant to say about the past is that it should be left alone. 'I don't have regrets.' That is what you are meant to say. But I don't relate to this. I am all regret. This blog is probably something I will regret five minutes after I have sent it off. I feel a deep sense of regret every time I tweet about my book (and I tweet a lot about my book). There are always things I wish I'd done differently. This is especially true of writing. I literally can't open up a novel I wrote in my twenties. I just can't.

Anyway, yes, regrets. I've had a few, writing wise.

So if I could go back a decade in time I would hand the following pieces of advice to myself:

-       Don't try and be cool. For instance, on the first page of your first book, don't put quotes from Shakespeare and David Beckham next to each other. I know you think you are making a postmodern point by juxtaposing high culture and pop culture, but you are just being annoying and pretentious.

-       Aim for truth.

-       Everything you learned in your MA? Forget it.

-       Don't give up the day job for a long, long time. You are £10,000 in debt right now and your plan to get out of debt is via writing a novel? That's a bit like having a plan to lose weight via chocolate eclairs. Listen, your first novel will make you £5,000. That's it. By 2006, you will be £30,000 in debt and in serious trouble. I know you think you are above thinking about reality but you kind of live in it.

-       You know that plan you have of writing a novel without any apostrophes in it? Well, bad idea.

-       Stop trying to be Martin Amis. And David Mitchell. And Bret Easton Ellis.

-       Hey! You've just sold the film rights. Well done. But guess what? Selling the film rights doesn't mean there will be a film any more than having a lottery ticket means you will win the lottery. Maybe your chances are a little better than that but not much.

-       Watch that handshake. For instance, when you meet your editor for the first time you will try to shake his hand twice in the space of one minute.

-       Stop worrying about what will happen to your book. Worry more about what will happen in your book.

-       Actually, just stop worrying. You are in your twenties. Go out and get drunk and make some decisions you will regret in the morning.

-       Yes, you live too far North to get invited to any literary parties. Get over it.

-       Don't write like you are a Writer.

-       No amount of good reviews or sales will ever change your brain chemistry.

-       Being paid more money to write a book does not mean your publishers will be more behind that book when it comes out.

-       You write fiction. Nothing about your career can be predictable. Embrace uncertainty.

-       Don't worry about bad reviews. Sometimes they are spiteful and sometimes they are useful, but either way, there's nothing you can do about them.

-       There is more than one genre - and publisher - in the world.

-       Read Lorrie Moore's short stories before you are 33.

-       Have fun when you write.

-       Don't bother with Myspace. Really, don't.

-       Writers are never in control of their careers. So concentrate on what you can control: your writing.

-       Those emails from readers - cherish them.

-       No-one will see your book precisely as you see it. That is the beauty of it.

-       Aim for 500 words a day. Every day.

-       First drafts are always bad. Just get it sent over.

-       You don't need to be good all the time. Just some of the time. This is where editors come in.

-       In the top ten most scary things in life, literary events do not feature.

-       Not everyone will like you. You can either stay quiet and offend no-one, or you can say the truth as you see it and annoy some people.

-       You are telling stories. It is supposed to be fun.

-       You know that feeling you get, when you suddenly become lost in the story and the words take over and you can't get it down fast enough and your stomach tingles with excitement because you feel that you have just discovered something new to say? Well, that is what it is all about. No cheque, no good review, no literary lunch will ever be better than that. That feeling is the reason art and films and books exist. It is the buzz of creation, and it is as sweet as love.